Ezor Discovers Coffee
by FunkyWashingMachine
Summary: Ezor discovers coffee


"Acxa. Have you heard of this coffee stuff?"

"Yes."

"But have you _tried_ it?"

"Yes."

"Holy shit, isn't it just the GREATEST?"

"Not really."

"Are you serious? I'm so fucking happy right now."

"I just don't like it."

"You know you can add SUGAR, right? Also it only gets awesome if you have like, a BUNCH of it. Holy fuck, I'm so fucking jazzed right now."

"Yes. It's disturbing me."

"Everything's disturbing you, Acxa, but me and Zethrid like you anyway. You really should have some coffee. Might cure that frowny face of yours. Why you always so frowny? I tell you all the best jokes and you're still a stickass no matter what. I mean, you're my favorite stickass, it's just funny that you never laugh. I mean, it's not funny, it's morbid, it must suck to be in your head. But that's what makes my jokes so funny, the fact that they annoy you so much. You want some coffee?"

"No."

"Well, your loss. Just like everything else. Hey, Mr. Iverson old guy man! Did you drink your coffee today?"

"Not enough, apparently."

"Oh, that's great. I think I've had enough. Well, maybe not really, but I'm good right now. Have you been drinking coffee your whole life?"

"Most of it."

"Oh, I am so jealous of you, man. Coffee's the fucking best. Does it make you all jittery?"

"Only when I've had too much."

"Well that sucks for you. I've had just enough and _I'm_ jittery. Where are you going?"

"The observation deck."

"Oh, cool. Can I come with you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You're bothering me."

"Man, looks like EVERYONE needs more coffee today. Who made YOU the president of this joint?"

"You can stop following me."

"You know, I don't like you much, either. You're okay but you're kind of an asshole."

"Glad you think so."

"It was nice of you not to kill me, though, so I don't TOTALLY hate you. I just think you're a grump."

"You know, Acxa vouched for your character once."

"Isn't she a sweetheart? She shouldn't have done that, I'm an enormous twat. Where'd she go, anyway?"

"Goodbye, Ezor."

"Hey, don't you leave me now, too! Dammit, why is everyone so grumpy this morning? Oh! Greenhouse lady! I forget your name, but hi!"

"Hello, Ezor."

"Mrs. Greenhouse Lady, I have just discovered coffee, and it's the best thing ever!"

"I can tell."

"Is it true that coffee comes out of a plant?"

"Yes, it is."

"Do we have a coffee tree on board? We should have a million of them."

"It's a work in progress, but we do have a genetic modification project going right now."

"Whatcha doin' on THAT one?"

"We're engineering a coffee plant better suited for space travel."

"SPACE TREES?"

"They're meant to flower sooner and take up less room while producing a higher yield."

"Mrs. Coffee Lady, you are my hero. Can I give you a kiss?"

"Heh. I suppose. But the plants won't be ready for-"

"You're so cool, you know that? You're like, stealth-cool."

"What does stealth-cool mean?"

"It means you're nothing to look at, but you're cool once you start talking and doing shit."

"Well, thank you, I suppose."

"Don't tell Shortstack I said that or she'll kill me. She might kill me for other reasons, too."

"Do I want to know what those are?"

"No, you don't. You really don't."

"All right. Well, I have to get on with my day now. Have a good one, Ezor."

"Byeee Shortstack's mom! I love you! Man, where IS everybody today? Oh, hey! Is this your room? Wassap?"

"This must be the reality where you have discovered coffee."

"Hell yeah it is!"

"I was afraid of that."

"Why are you afraid of that?"

"Because it causes the other crew members to get an average of 19% less sleep, which creates a 30% higher chance of disaster."

"Oh, that's baller! So, why didn't you just throw me out into space when you had the chance?"

"Because that would bring a 100% probability of your companion putting a fist so far through my mouth that I would move on to the next reality."

"Oh yeah, she would totally do that. She's really good at that."

"Fortunately, she is easily outsmarted. That is relevant to 92% of my fallback plans."

"Oh, TELL me about it, isn't she adorable? One time I taped the last monko onto her back and told her I didn't know where it was and she had no idea where that beeping was coming from for like, ever."

"What was the purpose of this exercise?"

"To prove that there's no such thing as bockins."

"Ah, of course. Not in this reality, anyway."

"Oh, that's a thing I don't want to think about."

"I would recommend not telling your friend."

"Yeah, will do, Roger. Who the fuck is Roger?"

"There are approximately 1,300,471 Rogers in this reality."

"That's so many Rogers. How many Ezors are there?"

"Nine."

"Oh. That's not many Ezors. Where's all the Ezors?"

"They perished when your home planet was annihilated."

"Why you gotta be such a downer, Slinky?"

"I tell you, you would not like to live in this head."

"Whose head is worse, yours or Acxa's?"

"Mine is more intelligent and therefore better."

"Fair, fair. Hey, what's this?"

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

"What? Why not?"

"It's going to doom us all to a fiery demise if anybody touches it!"

"Then why do you have it?"

"TO KEEP PEOPLE FROM TOUCHING IT!"

"Oh. Well, I didn't touch it THAT much."

"OUT! Out of my room!"

"Okayyy, no need to shove. Dang. No way is that gonna kill us all, anyway. Dude's just a nut. … _John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, his name is my name toooooo… whenever we go out, the people always shout, there goes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt LA LA LA LA LA LA LA, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt-"_

"Ezor! Is that you?"

"Hey, friendo! I totally forget your name!"

"Nadia!"

"Nadia! What's up, girl?"

"I dunno. You sound pretty happy, though!"

"I just touched a thing that's gonna kill us all!"

"What?"

"Oh, nobody's gonna care. 'Cept the wiggly dude."

"Oh, him? Yeah."

"Nadia, hon, are you getting coffee right now? Do you wanna get coffee?"

"Pff. I thought you were seeing someone."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Oh. I guess it's an Earth thing. You know, coffee dates."

"Does that mean you don't want coffee?"

"Nah, just means I don't want to be the other woman. I'd love a coffee though!"

"Awesome! You're my favorite!"

"Oh yeah? You're MY favorite!"

"You were my favorite first!"

"Well, I still love you!"

"Whoa there Nadia, I thought this wasn't a date!"

"It's not! I just felt like saying it!"

"Great! Cause I love you too! And also coffee!"

"Is that why you're so happy?"

"I DON'T KNOW."

"Haha, mayyybe we should skip the extra coffee for now."

"OH FINE, BE THAT WAY."

"It's cause I like you, Ezor. It's not good to drink too much coffee."

"I only had like, eight of them!"

"Good lord, that would give me the shits for a week!"

"Tell me about it! You wouldn't BELIEVE this shit I took this morning! I'm not even sure it's done yet!"

"Pfff. Ezor, I love you, but I'm not sure I wanted to hear that."

"Are the Earth people really so MODEST?"

"Oh, you're lucky you're talking to ME. I'll talk about shit if you really want to."

"What about HIM? Will HE talk about shit?"

"I don't know if-"

"Bye, Nadia! Hey, Grandpa! Does coffee give you the shits?"

"Ezor, I don't think he wants to talk about that. …Though I AM curious."

"Oh right, I forgot, cool people don't poop. Let's go, Nadia, we don't have time for non-poopers around here."

"Sorry, Mr. Kolivan. I think she's on drugs."

"Don't talk about your mother that way, Nadia! Oh man, why am I yawning? I must need another coffee."

"Pff. It's probably a caffeine crash."

"Caffeine crash? What's that?"

"It's when the coffee wears off and you fall back asleep."

"Oh shit. We can't have THAT."

"Yeah, it sucks. That's why I don't drink as much coffee as I used to."

"Speak for yourself, girl, if I just keep drinking coffee, I should never need to sleep AGAIN."

"I hate to be the one to tell you, but that's not how it works."

"Can't the coffee lady just do some better coffee growing?"

"What?"

"Oh, whatever. Hurry, let's get more coffee before I get even tireder."

"You wanna take a nap first?"

"Nah. I'm just gonna sit here for a bit. You wanna bring me the coffee? I don't feel like getting it myself."

"Sure. In a bit. How bout I just chill with you for now?"

"All right, sounds good. Hey, if you're gonna be on the floor with me, can I use your lap as a pillow?"

"Only if your wife's not gonna kill me for it."

"I'm not married. I'm gay."

"Oh, right."

"You're not that comfy."

"I'll work on that."

"Zethrid's comfy, you should try her out."

"Sounds like fun. Good night, Ezor."

"Bitch, I'm not gonna actually TAKE a nap. I'm just closing my eyes."

"Yeah, of course. You want a cup of water or anything?"

"No, I just want you to be quiet."

"It feels really weird to hear you say that."

"Well I'm not a goddamn splarf-chorfin."

"A what?"

"You knowwww…"

"Ezor? Heh. Would you look at that? Mr. Kolivan, you want to help me carry this girl back to bed? And then we should totally go get a coffee."


End file.
